Jesus attended the gathering of generals and admirals at Quantico last week. Even though he was seated in the back row, he stood out from the rest what with his long hair, scraggly beard, scruffy sandals, and dusty robe.
That man needs a haircut and a shave if he’s going to be in MY army, said the Secretary of War to himself. I bet he’s a DEI promotion. Trans all the way!
After the bewildered military brass filed out of the auditorium, Jesus remained seated on a folding chair. Pete Hegseth stomped up to him and rammed his manicured nails into the chest of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
He scowled. And then he saw the nail-scarred hands.
Jesus Christ! What are you doing here?!
How could you not recognize me? I thought I was your mascot, Pete. May I call you Pete?
Well, sure. Although officially, I AM the Secretary of War.
I thought you were a Christian.
Oh, I am. Just not a turn-the-other-cheek kind of Christian. I remember you said in Matthew 10 that you hadn’t come “to bring peace, but a sword.” I’m down with that.
Actually, I was misquoted there, Pete. It happens. A lot. What I did say was “Love your enemies.” Did you read that?
Yes, of course. But I’m not a woke kind of Christian either.
Well, if you’re any kind of Christian, I’m a cantaloupe.
Don’t say that. You’re the Son of God.
You know, Pete. I’m beginning to not like you.
No way! I thought you loved everybody.
I do. But I don’t like everybody. Did you read what I said in Matthew 25?
I did: At the end of time you will judge everybody based on their deeds, not their creeds. You’re either a good guy or a bad guy. Sheep go to heaven. Goats go to hell.
It was a parable, Pete. A parable.
Not for me. I read the Bible literally! And that’s why under my leadership, the war department will be killing a lot of bad guys.
And that’s why I don’t like you, Pete. I don’t like killing, no matter what the reason’s for.
But it’s for God and country, Jesus! We love you. We wave the American flag in your name! We’re Christian nationalists!
OH, STOP.
You’re taking my name in vain and leading your country down a slippery slope to hell!
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