Florence (not her real name) was worrying herself to death. Worry ate at her like termites. I was her pastor. She made an appointment. We met. We met again and again and again.
She also conferred with a psychologist, a spiritual director, a reiki counselor, and a shaman once or twice.
Florence was sweet, gentle as a lamb. But when it came to protecting farmlands and watersheds, she was a pit bull.
In her teens she’d read Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring. She worried about DDT. She worried about urbanization encroaching on animal habitat, industrial waste destroying the environment, the toxification of oceans, rivers, lakes, streams, ground water. She worried about the proliferation of plastics.
She wrote angry letters to corporations. She enclosed reams of data and charts. She refused to buy bliss with ignorance.
Florence worried about inequality, racism, sexism, the public schools, homeless children. She worried about her husband, her children, her cat. And nuclear arsenals.
She also worried that she wouldn’t remember all the things she worried about. So she made lists: I have five things I’d like to discuss with you today.
She’d bring up one item after another and then check them off.
During one session, I interrupted.
Florence, if you don’t mind telling me, how old are you?
I’m 83.
And how long have you worried like this?
All my life.
Well, Florence, I hate to say it, but I’m pretty sure you’re never going to get over worrying about things.
You really think so?
Yes.
Well, what should I do?
I could say, “Don’t worry. Be happy.” But that won’t stop you. So just accept the fact that you are a worrier and be the best worrier you can be! And be happy.
She stared at me, blinked, and smiled.
That’s good. I’m going to write that down.
I don’t know if it made a difference, but I do know there are some things we’ll never attain no matter how hard we try.
Like unconditional love.
A friend recently told me that was his goal—to attain unconditional love for everyone.
Who was he kidding? He’ll never love unconditionally. Dogs do. And that’s pretty much it.
As far as I can tell, human love is always conditional. But it’s still love. And any kind of love is better than none at all.
So be the best lover you can be.
And be happy.
A great story from a great story teller. And a wonder-full lesson, something I am still trying to learn. Something that has helped me recently is a metaphor from a meditation at the 10 percent Happier app: Our thoughts are like actors on a stage, and we are the director who can tell them to get off (or not.) Your audition is up! Exit stage left. Or how about a callback–another time. It’s up to us as the director to decide when, where, and how a particular actor or character has a role to play.
Music is love!
I love that story… & yes – we love imperfectly, because we are imperfect… & just like a songbird, or a butterfly, a deer or any other creature – just BE who & what you are, as well as you can… and as you said any kind of love is better than no love… so spread it all around… & that makes the world just that much more a loving place to be. I’m grateful for the loving nuggets here this Sunday morning… thank you…
Regarding our thoughts, be they worries, criticisms, or hopes— they just buzz around our brains like bees around my hummingbird feeder. “Our brains make thoughts like our butts make farts,” quote from one of my favorite meditation gurus.
WE HAVE PLENTY OF WORRIERS IN OUR SURROUNDINGS TO TAKE CARE OF NON- WORRIERS. LOVE IS GOD REGARDLESS OF THE MODIFYER. I CAN’T THINK OF, NOR DO I WANT TO, BELIEVE A BAD LOVE EXITS. PEACE AND HEALTH.
GEORGE
Some people feel the pain of others and the world itself more acutely, it is a selfless quality that can be a heavy burden to bear. How admirable that Florence took action rather than simply wringing her hands. Such a life desperately needs a counteracting balance, and a little unconditional love certainly fits the bill…I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with a Golden (or Labrador) Retriever!
Thank you and thoughtful readers. Florence obviously cared about most everything that knew struggle. I have this recurring question: If I knew/followed a singular passion, would it be easier to let go of the rest of my cares into the capable arms of those for whom the rest of my cares are their passions? It’s clear that I can’t ameliorate it all. Time to trust the process of letting go, with great love.
Well, worrying and doing what you can (about what there is within reach to do something about) is the only path that is in my view. I feel like Florence’s twin. But, the beauty, joy, and goodness that is there for us all must be first and foremost to wallow in and dance and sing about; otherwise, we shrivel up and contribute to the misery vibes that are already threatening to swallow our world whole. Thank you for another inspired accounting from your rich and generous experience.
Ah – spot on – don’t worry – over think, be in angst … what CAN we control … oh – don’t worry, be happy. MAY we try …
I love this topic! Instead of my own capacity for love I’d like to talk about someone else’s. Anyone who, for decades, devotes himself so completely to every aspect of service to his community and all in it, as Jack Young did, evinces a depth of caring and compassion – Love – that is rarely attained in a single lifetime. And of course, Martha was right there with him. What an amazing couple! When we moved to Shepherdstown 25 years ago, Jack was among the first to greet us at SPC. I soon learned that wherever there was a community project that involved volunteering, Jack was always there. And not just handing out fliers. The qualities of leadership that he acquired during successful military and civilian careers were brought to bear in spades in the formation of community actions aimed at helping young and old alike – youth counseling, retirement advice, SAIL, Lifelong Learning, and much more. He combined a military bearing with friendly openness, and was one of the most natural, unassuming, effective leaders I have known. He loved people, and we loved him back!
Transactional love would seem to be the frontrunner. Ask the Earth, it grows weathered and old from mankind’s long, strange trip to dominate nature in an uneven, abusive relationship. It is well documented and known. We “love” $3 gas and affordable eggs. In fact, love might be all well and good, but good/interactive relationships might be the key to health and happiness.
Harvard began a longitudinal happiness study in 1938. Starting with 724 participants (boys from disadvantaged families and Harvard undergraduates), it continues with 1,300 descendants of the initial group. The recent findings = “Good relationships lead to health and happiness. The trick is that those relationships must be nurtured.” (The Atlantic January 19th)
With a worldwide population north of 8 billion, loneliness and isolation appear to be serious health risks, according to the article. Heck, the UK has created a Ministry of Loneliness. Whether love-infused, compassion-driven, or just out for a good time, nurtured relationships seem to be a health tonic to rival an apple a day.
Cue to John Prine’s “Hello in There”
I can think of two examples of human love which, if not unconditional, is so close to that the difference does not matter.