Rocky Raccoon, fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon’s Bible
Gideon checked out, and he left it, no doubt
To help with good Rocky’s revival
—Paul McCartney
* * *
While your attention was preoccupied with Vice President JD Vance tutoring the pope on the fine points of catholic theology and with President Donald (Jesus) Trump healing John Stewart’s doppelgänger and with Secretary of War Pete Hegseth quoting the gospel according to Samuel Jackson (You will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you), and with First Lady Melania weirdly resurrecting Jeffrey Epstein in the Grand Foyer of the White House, the entire Bible was read aloud, primarily at the Museum of the Bible in Washington, DC, last week.
Every day. Seven days. 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.
Eighty-four hours!
The. Entire. Bible.
It was read from cover to cover—every single book (66), every single chapter (929), every single verse (31,102), and every single word (727,993)—by 475 different people, including White House senior religious adviser Paula White-Cain, Texas Governor Greg Abbott, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Hegseth, and John Cooper, the lead singer for the band Skillet.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, Stephen Colbert, Bruce Springsteen, Pope Leo, and Stormy Daniels were not invited to read.
The president was.
The Bible is “sharper than a double-edged sword that cuts to the bone and marrow” (Hebrews 4.12). So you’d think the evangelical organizers of “America Reads the Bible” would exempt the president from any text that challenged his fragile moral infallibility. (I am my own moral authority!) But they didn’t. Instead, they assigned the president 2 Chronicles 7.14–22. And lo and behold, as he read from behind the Resolute Desk a miracle occurred.
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
Lightning flashed. The president was struck like Paul on the road to Damascus. He bowed his head. Tears ran down his cheeks. He fell to his knees and prayed.
Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner.
The world stood still. Heavenly choirs sang.
Okay. That didn’t happen.
Alas, the Bible won’t save the president. Nor will reading the Bible cover to cover every week revive our nation. Nor will posting the Ten Commandments in public buildings. Upholding the Constitution, honoring the Bill of Rights, heeding Chief Seattle’s speech on the unity of all people, practicing the Golden Rule, and restoring democracy will.
