Five ninth graders sat around a table with me. It was the first meeting of the confirmation class. (Will you confirm—for yourself—the faith in which you were raised?) I had expected six confirmands. One was missing.
Suddenly the door burst open. Audrey (not her real name) stomped in, leaned against the wall, folded her arms across her chest, and glared. At me, at the room, at the world.
I had baptized Audrey. I watched her grow up. I admired her trademark stance. Defiance. A chip perched on her shoulder. Always.
I liked her.
Hi, Audrey. Welcome. Have a seat.
I don’t need a seat. I’m not sitting down. I don’t belong here. I don’t believe in God. My mom made me come. I don’t want to be part of whatever you’re doing here and anyway my mom said I only had to attend once just to see what it’s like but I don’t have to see what it’s like I already know what it’s like and I don’t like it. I’ll stay this one time but I won’t sit.
Okay. No problem. But as long as you’re here, would you mind telling us about this “god” you don’t believe in?
Distant. Old. Male. Bearded. Muscular. Angry. Fist full of lightning bolts. Smites the wicked. Drowns the innocent. Saves some. Damns most. Appeased by fawning prayers, obeisance, and bloody sacrifices. Egotistical. Narcissistic. Sadistic. Spiteful. Vengeful. Despicable.
Anything else?
No, that’s pretty much it. Except to say, if this is his house, I don’t want to be in it and that’s why I’m not coming back.
Awkward pause.
Actually, Audrey, I’m in your corner here. I don’t believe in that god either, or in a hundred other fickle gods like that one. Sure, gods can be fun in an epic tale. Just don’t let them out. No need to take Zeus, Jehovah, or Quetzalcoatl literally. Really!
Pregnant pause.
Cool. So what do you believe in?
I believe in love.
That’s it?
Yes. And if there is a god, I believe god is love. And if there is no god, that’s okay. Love is still the way, the truth, and the life, no matter what.
Audrey took a chair and sat down.
Now that we’d settled the god question, we took up the love question:
What is love, really?
And that, as it turns out, is a complicated question.
_______________________
See Paula’s “Cone of Silk & Spools-Lonaconing, MD” on the home page. Posted Jan. 22, 2023
You & Audrey said it all!
It’s amazing how truly listening can bring understanding, compassion – & often agreement. I love this story.
When my son asked me what my higher power is, many years ago (while in Al-A-Teen)… I thot about it ( had never put this wordless concept into words ) & told him “Love …. & Miracles out of Nowhere”.
Thank you again for lifting my heart & mind – to Love🙏🏼💓
There are two basic motifs for the word “believe.” One is intellectual assent and the other is trust. The first entails theological machinations or “head trips.” The other embraces heartfelt experiences. The latter is a focus for mystics, who have been a headache for institutionally-minded people, for mystics focus on the experience for Divinity’s Love. Perhaps Audrey chose to sit down and stay due to her child-like and intuitive trust in the basic goodness of the universe. “And a little child shall lead them.”
Claire and I were fortunate enough to see Ringo Starr and His All-Star Band with a friend and former colleague of mine in the summer of 2019. Yes. This was before the sky fell (Covid) thus proving Chicken Little’s prophecy. Ringo’s thesis, besides turning in one of the best performances I’ve ever experienced, was “Give More Love!” I don’t recall who said it in a song–Perhaps Billy Ed Wheeler, a W. Va. songwriter?–but it simply states, “You got to give until you get.” With the recent passing of David Crosby, I bought a digital copy of his first solo album. (Yeah, I’m an old guy and album oriented.) The first selection is an appropriate one, “Music Is Love!” So, your homework assignment is to “Give More Love.” Keep giving until you get. And keep singing and dancing. By the way, it sounds as though Audrey was well acquainted with old, cranky, Jehovah from The Old Testament. Belief is a trap that can lead into an endless cul de sac. Give more love! In the end it’s all we have. Onward!
Randy, Ardyth, Larry, and Stephen, your words have embraced my heart. Thank you.
Love is our raison d’etre.
Thanks! I needed that today 😊
Great story! That kind of god rules through guilt and shame and anger. Too much of that in the world already!
Now that is powerful and courageous writing. Thank you. Love is the answer: the way, the truth and the life. God is Love.
My first reaction at the end of your piece was, “What? Isn’t there more?” But then I thought about it and realized that the “more” is the pervading human challenge. Of course there’s more, and complicated only begins to describe it. Throughout human history, Mankind has struggled to personify God, Allah, Yahweh, The Great Spirit, the pantheon of Greek and Roman gods, and we Christians tried to simplify it all with Jesus but in the noise of the Bible stories over centuries we’ve come close to losing sight of the essential message of Jesus: God is Love. Deal with it.
Jim:
I loved your comment—right on!
Larry