I had my eyes examined on Indigenous Peoples’ Day (formerly known as Columbus Day) in preparation for cataract surgery. Neither indigenous peoples nor Columbus were on my mind that day. But Columbus was on the mind of my ophthalmologist.
It was nearly two hours before I could actually see him. I first had to pass through two levels.
Level One: Forms.
Insurance, COVID, medical history, allergies, smoke, alcohol, recreational drugs, etc., etc., etc.
Level Two: Diagnosis.
Lots of slick machines.
Put your chin there and look straight ahead. Eyes wide open. Follow the red dot.
FLASH.
Eye drops. Sit. Wait. Open wide. FLASH. Drops. Sit.
Twiddle thumbs.
Mr. Tremba, follow me.
Level Three: The Doctor.
The doctor will be here shortly.
Twiddle thumbs.
And then, there he was. The ophthalmologist himself! In a white coat.
Hello, Randall.
I stood and shook his hand—a courtesy I was taught as a child.
Pleased to meet you, Doctor. It’s an honor to finally see the high priest.
He smiled quizzically.
What do you mean?
Well, like someone visiting the ancient temple in Jerusalem, I’ve had to pass through the Court of the Gentiles and then through the Holy Place before reaching the quarters of the high priest in the Holiest of Holies.
The Inner Sanctum.
Aha, I get it! I can see—said the ophthalmologist with a twinkle in his eye—that you’re an educated person. So I have three questions for you.
Okay.
Where did Columbus land in the New World?
The Bahamas.
Very good. Many people don’t know that.
Which president of the United States belonged to neither political party?
George Washington.
Right again.
(Easiest pop quiz ever!)
Finally, who is Harriet Lane?
You mean Harriet Tubman?
No. Harriet Lane. She lived here in Jefferson County before becoming the First Lady at the White House.
So she was the wife of a president?
No.
I was stumped. So much for being an educated person. He smugly told me the answer.
Two weeks later I was wheeled into the operating room for laser surgery. My ophthalmologist stood ready.
Before you proceed, I have a question for you.
Let’s hear it.
If Columbus discovered America, why isn’t it called Columbia?
I don’t know.
I began telling him about Amerigo Vespucci, but then the anesthesia kicked in.
I see better.
And I know that Harriet Lane was the only unmarried First Lady.
