[The Devil’s Gift took last week off. Paula and I went down to Chincoteague Island to celebrate our 47th wedding anniversary. I hope you enjoy this repost from October 17, 2021]
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Today is my 45th wedding anniversary. Paula’s too. It takes two.
I know a few things about weddings and marriages. I officiated some 250 weddings and counseled numerous troubled marriages.
I’m pretty sure all marriages are troubled now and then. After all, marriage is a crucible of change, sometimes a fiery one. Those who endure deserve a Purple Heart.
The wedding, by the way, is not the marriage. The marrying of two souls begins before the wedding and continues, for better or worse, after. The wedding is but a public celebration—with family and friends—of what has already begun.
Marrying is a process like marrying (soldering) two pieces of metal that don’t naturally stick together. The pieces are strangers to each other. We all marry a stranger we think we know.
I knew Paula well on October 17, 1976—a beautiful, kindhearted, wise, and spunky woman with a heart for social activism and justice. That’s what lucky me got.
But I really didn’t know what I was getting—a fabulous mother, gourmet chef, interior decorator, nurse, master gardener, world class photographer, and a killer.
Paula and I are a lot alike. But we are not the same.
I pluck stink bugs from the walls and flick them outside. She plunges them into her “Jar of Death.”
Two weeks ago while preparing a plot of ground for Paula’s next wildflower bed, I poked the hand tiller into a yellow jacket nest. I bolted—darting, ducking, swatting frantically. Still, I was viciously stung a dozen times. My arms, hands, fingers, and legs smarted for days.
I wasn’t angry at the yellow jackets. I felt guilty—guilty for invading their home. After all, I feel shame for how Columbus and his successors invaded and destroyed the home of Native Americans. It may be a stretch, but I extend my sympathy to the yellow jackets.
Paula does not.
That evening, just around dusk, she dressed up like a ninja warrior, holstered a can of Hot Shot (“kills on contact”), crept up to the nest, and sprayed the living daylights out of its portals.
I’d like to think she was taking revenge on them for hurting her husband. That is not the case. She didn’t want them in or near her flowerbed.
After 45 years, I’m still getting to know my wife.
We all marry a stranger.
Enjoy the journey.
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See Paula’s photo (“Chincoteague Sunset”) on the home page. Posted October 22, 2023.
Does Paula grow lemon balm? If you boil it and mix the tincture with half vinegar, it takes away all sting and itch. Also a repellent for mosquitoes, other biting bugs. Happy anniversary!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
I HOPE YOU ARE STILL WRITING WHEN YOU REACH OUR MILESTONE OF 68 YEARS. I AM STILL LEARNING NEW THINGS FROM CHANGES DUE TO AGE, I THINK.
Happy Anniversary ❤️ Fun to note that you two were married on my 34th Birthday! May there be many more days to celebrate for all 3 of us !!
Remembering that two years ago I didn’t say anything like ‘happy anniversary’ but I’m saying it now…Happy Anniversary and many more!
Congratulations! It’s heady stuff when you’re into the fourth official decade of your union. So many dissolve much sooner. I think the key is encouraging each other’s many dimensional qualities to reveal themselves and coexist, beheld with curiosity and respect and love. We must feel acceptance in the arms of our partner.
Yours has avenged you many a time, as I’m sure you’ve done for her.
Let’s strive to be compassionate ninjas in this evermore confusing world🙏🏼🙏🏾
You definitely married up my friend. On top of all her attributes you mentioned, she is an artist. Her creativity is a blessing to the rest of us, just your spirit is to the rest of us. We love you both. Congratulations!!!
Congratulations to you both – each ninjas & artists & creative loving community contributors to the greater good… a blessed journey forward for you both💕
Thanks to all for the congratulations, praise, and love! Also, thank you, my love, now I know what my Halloween costume will be!
Happy Trails to you, until we meet again, to borrow Dale Evans song, and I noticed in the background our friend Jim Douds, who no doubt also wishes you both the best.
Oh yes, we all marry and live with a stranger, we are stranger together. We met in 1978 and are married 41 years and I’m still amused or amazed by new things from my spousal unit.
I honor your ninja – and you both. Happy anniversary, indeed.
As a former psychologist trained in couples and family therapy at the Washington School of Psychiatry and elsewhere, we do marry strangers. One is ourselves, the other is our partner. We marry idealizing our partner, ourselves, and both together. Our shadow (those repressed aspects of ourselves we would be ashamed of if we knew them) are seen by our partner first. But are they projecting their own shadow or are they seeing ours? Or more likely both! When the shadows activate we call the phenomena “the return of the repressed”. Then add to the mix the internalized relationships of our parents. These too enter the cauldron Randy referred to. This is when couples may claim that their partner has changed or worse that they are victims of a bait-and-switch romance. We couples therapists advocate in depth serious pre martial therapy. I only know of one couple who have done this and who are open about it. my daughter and son in law. Most people don’t want to break the romantic embrace to look at the issues they will face whether they want to or not. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Most folks figure they got the wrong partner. Maybe so. But remember this. The divorce date of second marriages is higher than the first marriage. You can run from your and your partner’s shadow but like the shadow cast by the sun, it will follow right beside you.
I loved this story when you first shared it, and I’ve enjoyed reading it again. I just love the image of Paula, the Ninja Warrior with a can of Hot Shot holstered to her belt or her sash or whatever Ninja Warriors wear. Such a great story. I too escort stink bugs to the outdoors and release them, but I think I align with Paula when it comes to yellow jackets nesting in your garden. They are not bumble bees; they are nasty, aggressive and will pursue you, stinging all the while as you experienced. Bernard has had two attacks from them here at our place.
I do not escort mosquitoes and release them either. Spiders, yes.
Happy Anniversary to you both! Glad you are celebrating on Chincoteague Island. Cheers!
May your shadows never grow less!